korea time- june 18th sunday im writing this entry only for the hopes of by the next entry ill be a happy person again... friday nite i found out jc has been lying to me this whole time...everyone seems to not really understand the whole depth of this actual betrayal and pain that he has caused me...when he gave me his word and swore on the love of jesus christ. using GODs name only for the use of his own selfish convenience and because he knows that id believe him if he brought up GOD...a year ago~ i begged him~ crying and pleading him~ desperatlely trying to make him realize he was ruining his life~ ruining our relationship by the lies and his addiction...and so becus he claimed he realized this...he gave me his word..and swore on it GOD and on our love...and i gave him my word and told him that i would leave him and i was dead serious bout it...and that if i meant anything to him~ if he truly loved me...he would give it up... so for a year...i was so proud of him and grateful ~ becus i really thought he had quit....he was the best boyfirend at most times~ to always go home and he never went out~ n even if he did that was only to work and with family~ and wen he did go out on those times he would always call~ BUT occasionally he would be missing for a few hours.. and tell me this crazy story that made no sense~ and we would fite~and of course i would have to give in~ becus he would yell and accuse me of being non trusting and overreacting... but now i know~ those times he went to the casino....and i just now found this out friday nite....from my 2 girlfriends that i hadnt seen in awhile...they didnt know about his problem~ and they just simply thought i knew that he was at the casino.... so all thru friday nite i was crying~ feeling so betrayed~ thinking about all those past conversations where he had told me~ he was glad he kicked the habit of gambling~ and he was happy even tho he learned it the hard way....and that he was thankful.... those many times where i would tell him thank you~ and how i as proud of him whenever his friends would go to the casino~ and he would make a big gesture in front of me saying" o hell no~ i dont gamble~ n i never will" it was all an act....i felt so betrayed....i couldnt help but feeling like...he must not love me enuff...to choose to risk losing me,,,,is gambling more important to him? did he think i was never gonna find out ? how could he play me as a fool? isnt that disrespecting me? how can he live a double life and lie to me for all this time and look at me in the face and call me all these names and resent me for not trusting him? he told me he was never gonna lie to me again too.... all this anger just built up~ the betrayal....and tommorow i had to face him so i did~ and i was gonna make it a good day~ our last day together~ so wen we met~ we went to apku~ walked around~ went to watch a movie~ had dinner~ and then told him exactly that~ that it was our last day together~ and that i was leaving him...he looked stunned~ until i told him i knew that he has been gambling and ive been lied to all this time...of course he had nothing to say~ but knowing him~ he managed to be defensive on some parts...but for the most parts..he had his head down and couldnt face me,...n he knew there was no way he could convince me to stay~ cus he knows he has done the one thing that i would leave...n i dont even think he was ready to give up gambling yet and the most fuckin saddest part was... wen we parted wen i asked him" is it worth it oppa? u lost so much respect from friends...now u lost me~ are u getting wat u want from gambling? is it that worth it? are u getting wat u want? he didnt answer ...he was trying to think of an answer....that was the sad part... he held me tight wen we said our goodbyes and i didnt get any " ill stop gambling.." ill try harder not to go" but all he said was " i never meant to hurt you...im sorry i have a gambling problem...but i swear i dint go as much as u think.... but promise u wont stop praying for me???" and i knew rite then and there he was not going to give it up...not now~ not soon~ and i couldnt help him,,,and as much as i tried and tried~ i couldnt let him destroy my life and hurt me~ cus he didnt seem to care enuff that he was doing it to me~ he cared more about gambling...and he proved it and im happy i found out now... we were gonna get married,....and if i did~ i would have been the most miserable...actually soon to be divorced sue...and im glad that GOD slapped me in the face with this sign~ becus i been ignoring the rest .... | 
